I had this really great conversation with my wife this weekend. I was talking about the events from the past couple of months and the impact it had on me. You guessed it. Anger. However, while the theme of anger and that cycle seems to have a forever hold on me, I know the solution. Fit Spiritual Condition.

The discussion revolved around the pieces of my spiritual life that have been missing. Lost components of my spiritual program started a couple years ago. The odd thing about it is, it was my choice.

Since I found Jesus, I have shifted away from my 12-step program for addiction and more towards my Faith in Jesus and my church. The primary reason for this choice is because 12-step programs traditions do not support outside matters such as religion. Oddly, I believe, that is one of the reasons why the program works. While I can certainly talk to individuals about Jesus and I do, my focus has shifted towards my Faith and my church, which is what I believe God wants.

This shift towards Jesus has punctured the armor in my support network of people in my 12-step program. People come and go in 12-step programs. Often, those who leave the program are not doing well. The shame associated with their addiction causes them to not only leave the program all together, but make the choice to no longer communicate or associate with the people from that community. I have hundreds of names and phone numbers of people in my phone who are long gone. I have been Sponsorless (by my choice) for the past two years. My reduced presence in the 12-step program has reduced my network. My hope? That my Christian brothers and sisters would pick up the slack.

As I described all this to my wife, I talked about how much it would be so incredibly awesome to have a Spiritual Director. I spoke of how I do miss having my Sponsor, who knows me like the back of his hand. I spoke of the missing pieces of my 12-step network and how I wish I could find that network in my church and my faith community. Why can I walk into a 12-step program which may not be a Jesus focused program, but it surely is a God program, and ask for help, ask for guidance, and find unwavering support? Why, when I find other Christians, can I not find that support? Why do they not want to talk about their challenges and work on themselves to be better and use a network of people to support and guide each other? also known as -Spread the Word. Why is it so hard to find someone who is Spiritually fit and able and willing to be a Spiritual mentor?

As I rattled off all the names of people who I either currently talk to regularly or have in the past, my wife stopped me and asked a simple question:

“You just named at least 5 people you can talk to and you claim to have more, why does it just have to be one?” She kept on speaking and I stopped listening. All my abandonment issues came rushing in as I processed it all. Then, the light bulb went on.

When my wife was done speaking, I let her know that I had stopped listening. I then went on to tell her what I just realized:

Due to my past abandonment issues, I used to push the people who are the closest to me, away. The reason for this? FEAR of abandonment. If I didn’t allow you to get close to me, then you can’t hurt me.

Here is the paradox. I have been seeking the One who will know me and accept me and will never leave me. I have been searching for the One; in a person.  And… people fail. People leave. People Screw Up. People are not ONE.

In my discussion with my wife we said together. “Even though we love each other and in many ways our everything to each other, we can’t be my everything to each other.” We can talk spiritually. We can talk about God and the bible. We can even take spiritual direction from each other. However, we can’t be the ONE.

ONE is God. ONE is Him. ONE is Jesus!