How do we face our fears?
God’s Grace
When I first entered a 12-Step program for sex addiction, I ended up with a woman sponsor. When it comes to sponsorship, It is widely accepted in the 12 Step rooms no matter the addiction, men help men and women help women. You might guess the reason for this. It has to do with what we call, 13th Stepping-Man and or woman taking advantage of the others weaknesses and they end up in an intimate relationship with each other. This was quite a controversial topic with others for me in my 12 Step program. The fact that I was sexually addicted to porn, and women were the focus of my addiction, only added to the complexity of the situation. Add in, I am married, and my wife is fully aware that a woman is helping me get sober….well…you gotta ask yourself…What the outside the box was I thinking?
God’s Grace and my wife Grace, is all I can come up with.
As you might guess, there are a bunch of stories with that introduction. For the record, my way was not the right way and my story does not mean, you should go try it! I do not recommend it! The good news is, my sponsor V, I called her, was very healthy and helped me tremendously. While I will admit that our relationship held an unhealthy aspect,(my dependence on her) believe it or not, the relationship worked. Having V as my sponsor, allowed me to address my homophobic fears that were rooted in being molested by my Youth Pastor in my home church. Just like anyone who has helped me in my sex addiction recovery, I am so, so, super grateful for their time and help. Thank you V.
Identify and Take Action
V always had super insightful wisdom. She has a background in psychology and had been practicing counseling before she crashed into recovery. Often, I would call her up with some off the wall unmanageable(that was my view at the time) situation that I needed help with. The very first thing V taught me, besides the 12 Steps, was setting boundaries.
Allowing someone to step on your boundaries is a fear based behavior. Heck, I was so screwed up, I didn’t even know if I had boundaries. V would give me guidance on how to set a boundary and then two weeks later, I would call her up with a new problem and we would talk about boundaries again. It seems, I was not taking her suggestion to set boundaries. Although I did not recognize this at the time, fear of others reactions to me setting boundaries with them, was the root reason I was not taking the suggestions.
V had a way. She had a way of clubbing you on the head, yet it didn’t hurt. Maybe you could call it tough love. Here was the line she would use when I would call her up with the various situations that I was encountering that were all different, yet similar. They all had the same root cause. In this case. I was not setting boundaries. And I quote V as she would say:
“The message will continue to be repeated, until you get it.“
I can not begin to tell you how many times she said that phrase to me. I know at one point, I was finishing her sentence…. I had to face my fears. I had to set boundaries with others. When I finally started taking the necessary actions, the results flooded in. And I saw it! I saw the results. Being the good addict I was at the time, once I saw something that worked, I dove in head first. I was setting boundaries left and right and seeing the results. I had story after story of success, setting boundaries. I would have to say, this was a key factor in my growth as I was getting sober from sex addiction.
Facing Your Fears
Over the years in the therapy I was receiving, I learned a concept. The concept was to take anger (fear) and transform it into something healthy. When you are angry(fearful) take the following types of actions:
Physical, Emotional and Spiritual Actions
- Physical – Move a muscle change a thought. (12 Step slogan) Go for a walk or exercise. It could be as simple as, getting up off the couch and going to get the mail. Physical energy disperses the brain functions.
- Emotional – Make a phone call to a friend. Talking out your emotions gives your knew perspective.
- Spiritual – Engaging in your relationship with God. Talking directly to Him, Prayer, possibly listening to music adding a layer between you and your anger allowing you to see more clearly in the Spirit.
Face Your Fears with Love
Taking concepts and applying them in your life are not an easy task. For me, I need to witness examples. I need the list above and then I need to watch someone do it. The more nuanced the fear, the more difficult it is to see. Even if you see it, it can be difficult to apply the concepts. At least that has been my experience. My hope for you is, that you are not as thick headed as I am and or was. Maybe the concept of applying love to fear comes much easier for you, than it does me. Here are two recent examples that I think of that someone showed by example, love in motion as the answer to fear:
The first story I have for you is quite a few years old. A woman I know shared this about her daughter who was newly married. The wife had been away while her husband was at home. The husband decided to deep clean the entire apartment while his wife was gone. What a wonderful gesture right? However, when his wife arrived home and found out what he had done, she was quite angry. Now hold on a second here people! Let me tell you the story before you judge! See, the husband used cleaning chemicals to clean the house. His wife is allergic to those cleaning chemicals. She wasn’t angry at him for cleaning the apartment. She was angry that the chemicals he used, will now have a large consequence for her. Or in other words – Her fear was, that she would have a reaction to the chemicals. Instead of them getting into a large combative argument of why did he clean the apartment like that, they talked it out and made agreement that future speaking, they will use natural cleaning solutions, like perhaps vinegar or other methods, to clean the house so his wife would not have allergic reactions. This is an example that shows love on both the husband and wife’s part. First, love prevailed as the anger did not blow up. Second, love prevailed as the fear was identified and discussed, and third, love prevailed with a loving solution for the future.
My second story is a bit more recent. A lady I know was quite disturbed with accommodations that were reserved for her and her extended family. It involved multiple families and their children. They were all supposed to be together, and the arrangements got misaligned. To add nauseam to the situation, the attempted corrections added additional chaos and confusion. To say the least, the woman was stressed from the course of events. I am most certain anger was underlying. What did she do? She did what she always does. She takes her anger and transforms it to a healthy outlet and fights toxic messages that are spread in Christian atmospheres. They are easy to find. They are everywhere. And I watched her take her anger and fight toxic messages through posts on her Facebook page. She took her anger and turned it into Love for others glorifying God by combating toxic messages that harm others.
Fear, It will creep in on you.
Fear, it will disguise itself in your reactions.
Fear, unchecked can make your situation unmanageable.
Fear, not met with love, can bring you bad results.
Seek God’s Grace, when you Fear.
Identify Fear!
Take action on Fear!
Face your Fear with Strategy.
Face Your Fear with LOVE.