This post was my second post here at Give Your Story. I wrote it January 2nd 2024. I actually took it out of circulation out of fear in February. Only 15 people viewed it. I decided to put it back in circulation yesterday and today I stuck it at the top of the blog (6/25/24). Here is another older post that has not been viewed much: Family Legacy

Winter Solstice is my wife Grace’s birthday. I tend to struggle around this time of year, as December 21st is also the shortest day of the year. I am impacted by seasonal changes. Events like Daylight Savings and time changes affect me. Lighting changes, such as shorter days, also affect me. These are just some of the struggles I cope with as a result of my bipolar.

It is easy for me to tell you, the readers who I do not know, that I am bipolar and have struggles with my mental health. It is much harder to admit to my family and friends. I prefer that my employer is not aware either. I want to hide this fact from all of them. I want to be normal.

On December 21st, I had an incident at my job. On December 22nd, the Friday before Christmas, I was notified that I have been suspended with pay until further notice. To sum it up, let’s just say I am ok with how I handled the situation but at the end of the day I am in the wrong, and the outlook does not look good for me to retain my job.

This situation is unsettling all on its own. Add in Christmas and the extended weekend around it with the unknown, and in my world, that is a recipe for tough times not only for me but for those around me. Thankfully, I have done so much work on my mental health that, by the grace of God, I knew what I needed to do. Weather the storm. As I talked this situation out with my wife and friends, they all said they would pray for me. I told them not to pray for my job, but to pray for me that I was able to have faith in my creator. God has cared for me all this time, why would he not care for me through this? I immediately went to Exodus. If God gave the Israelites manna, he can give me manna too. I bet you are thinking, “Phil, you are handling this so well.” Let me just say I did lose sleep that night and oh yes, how I held court for 2 hours in the middle of the night. I would not snap out of my self-pity and wallowing until Saturday evening, December 23rd.

That night I took my wife to the Vienna Light Orchestra concert for her birthday. I was stoic at best at the beginning of the evening. That is until I decided that I can wallow in my garbage or I can separate myself from the fear of losing my job and accept the situation as it is in that very moment. In that moment, I still have my job, and I was sitting next to my wife at a concert. I decided that I was going to enjoy this concert and furthermore lose no more sleep over this situation so that I could enjoy Christmas with my family.

Let the music play! That is when the Holy Spirit moved in me as they sang “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.” O come, O come, Emmanuel, shall come to me, O Israel. As I heard these words that I have sung countless times in the course of my life, it dawned on me that I never truly understood them. What do you mean, “Shall come to me, O Israel?”

Having just recently completed studying the book of Exodus and having this question of “What do you mean Shall come to me, O Israel?”, I have finally figured out exactly what those words mean. In the beginning of Exodus, the Israelites had been given a choice. Be free like an Eagle or take up God’s laws. They chose the law, and God delivered. Most of us know this as the 10 Commandments. Throughout the book, the Israelites struggled not only to keep the law but to understand that God wants them to have a relationship with Him. O come, O come, Emmanuel, shall come to me, O Israel. God is inviting the Israelites into a relationship with Him. As we are witnessing right now, he is still waiting.

Once I had this light bulb moment, my faith dug in deeper. I was able to let go of my situation and lose no more sleep over it. The best part was being able to enjoy Christmas with my wife and family.

My favorite event this Christmas was Christmas Eve with my family at a Moravian Church we were invited to. If you know anything about Moravians, they have a tradition called the Love Feast. Not to be confused with communion, it is a community meal dispersed during the service while they play music and all sing. The meal is Moravian Sugar Cake or a sugar bun and decaf coffee with cream and sugar in it. I hadn’t been to one of those services since I was about 14 years old. It was a bunch of fun watching my kids take it all in. It was even more fun watching them try to drink coffee. When I was young, my Aunt and Uncle would often take me to their Love Feast service at their church, and I think my Aunt put in a good word for me because I always got hot chocolate.

The day after Christmas, I called my employer to ask for an opportunity to talk. I did not receive a response until late that day that I am to wait until after the holidays. While I did have plans to be off over the holiday anyway, I have been left in limbo since then. Maybe Tuesday after New Years more will be revealed on my situation.

While I have had my moments, overall I am proud to report that I am clear-minded and doing well. No large impactful bad moments have occurred as a result of my situation.

See, bipolar used to make me irritable and angry. Everyone around me would get my wrath. That is no more. However, bipolar still takes from me. It affects my judgment, and sometimes I make bad choices. Often I am unaware until someone calls me out. It hurts to write that. However, I refuse to lay down this fight. My God, my creator, will stand with me. Together we will fight this battle. My faith is strong, and when I am weak, he gives me a place to lean on like my rock, my wife Grace. He gives me hope through others. He gives me hope with a story. The story of Jesus. The Bible Story.

For this, I will stand strong like a tree without leaves.

I WILL WEATHER THE STORM.