In the 12 step rooms a group will often have what is called a Speaker Meeting. The group might have a Speaker Meeting quarterly or once a month where a speaker will come and speak to the group. Depending on the group, it can be on a certain topic or they will leave it to the speaker to choose what they want to talk about. I have been asked to speak. I have chosen to just tell my story. It has been a minute since I have done that in a 12 step setting. 

For those of you who have never been a part of this type of event I will further explain. One might think I will sit there and talk about all the things I have done wrong that got me a seat in the 12 step program. Well, yes that will happen to a degree but that will not be the focus. One who shares just their garbage is one who shares what we call a drunkalog. The point of sharing your story is not to dump your garbage but rather to offer hope. It is a here is what the problem was and because I found a solution, you can learn what not to do as well as what to do by listening to my story.  This is exactly what my idea is here at Give Your Story. 

My story is always started by telling you that my father passed away when I was just 7 years old. My Dad was a smoker and he died from stomach cancer. He was 36 years old when he passed. 

For general purposes, here is my sexual past from about 7 to 8 years until about 30 years of age:   I was shown something I never asked for when I was seven years old when a boy 6 years older than me slept over. That boy asked me touch him and when I said “no” he proceeded to tell me he would get beat up by his brother if I did not touch him. He told me a lie that his brother would know if I touch him or not by the number of rings on his penis. So I touched him so he would not get beat up. I have paid a heavy price for that “kind gesture”. While I did not like what happened, for some reason, I proceeded to go around my neighborhood and show everyone. (boy or girl) exactly what was taught to me.

At the age of 13-16 I was groomed and molested by our Youth Ministry leader in my home church. The grand finally of that molestation took place during a trip I was taken on by that Youth Leader. 

For the record, I believe it is important to call out those who have used their position and power for personal gain which causes significant injury and harm to others. The primary reason for this is to stop that person from doing it again. I also believe that if done correctly this offers a path to healing for the victim. Ron Weber was called on his behavior through my efforts by the help of the church synod. While I will say my church did not exactly handle the situation 100% correct, eventually Ron Weber was called to answer for my claims through a background check requested by the church organization when Ron tried to make a move from Music Minister to Youth Minister within another church he had become part of. Through this event he was removed from the Church. I am satisfied today that he can no longer use that setting to commit the same atrocity that was done to me.  

Porn was the primary vehicle to what developed into my addiction. While there were other sexual outlets such as strip clubs and phone sex that took place along the way into adulthood, the primary tool for sexual gratification outside of girlfriends and my wife was primarily porn. 

My world came crashing down through my own insanity caused by self awareness that something was wrong. At the age of 30 and 2 years into our marriage I finally came clean to my wife and validated what she was telling me was wrong for quite sometime. My sexual behavior was wrong and unacceptable. That is when I found a 12 step program to help me with my addiction.

My first 12 step meeting was online. The 12 step group I found only had in person meetings in large cities. There was an online community where I got my first sponsor and started working the steps. I wouldn’t land on any significant amount of time of consistent sobriety until 3 years later when a businesses venture took us to bankruptcy. This would be the event that would get my attention to finally get a good sponsor and get sober. 

As it is written in the Bible in Genesis 2:17, God tells Adam he would surely die if he eats from the tree of knowledge and good and evil. While the physical condition of mortality for Adam and Eve did change when Adam and Eve did eat the fruit, the larger consequence of their actions was a separation from God or spiritual death. 

My bankruptcy was a monetary physical loss. One could say it got my attention. However, the bigger loss was the understanding that my loss was due to my addiction and being spiritually dead. It took this event coupled with being in a 12 step program to truly start the healing process. 

This was my Step 1. Surrender & Acceptance.

What is your story?