I am sure this happens with you. There have been many occasions in your life where a new person is introduced. First impressions are always important. Here a few short stories about some experiences that may not have happened to you that I have had with some relationships :
Scene 1: High School – My Friend Devin met a girl. He introduced me to her, but I never really got to know her that well. Overtime there would be more interactions. As time passed, I picked up on the fact that when Devin was with her he did not want to be with me. Finally, one day I asked Devin what was up with that. His response? She doesn’t really like you. Hmmf. What did I do? I was just being me. Now mind you I was an extremely immature teenager who was quite vulgar and would say just about anything to get a rouse out of you. So, what did I do? I cranked up my silliness even more. I pushed her buttons to the point she hated me. Until? She finally got to see the real Phil. This nice guy who would care for his friend and his girlfriend like friends do. Principle Phil. No not school principle. Upholding principles like kindness and support of a friend. Being a doer and helper for your friend. It was a relationship that Devin had to work with both of us on until one day???? Me and her were like glue. She understood the little boy Phil comedy show and who the real Phil was.
Fast Forward Scene 2: In my late teens early twenties – My friend Mark
INTERUPTION – My friend Mark passed away July 26th 1997 – 27 years ago in a car accident with his twin brother sitting beside him. Mark’s twin brother is also my best friend. I LOVE YOU MARK AND I MISS YOU! CHEERS BRO! LOVE YA!
Mark went off to college and met a Sorority girl. Mark’s brother and I would go visit him at college and party on! That is where I met Mark’s girlfriend. The mutual friendship and proximity of my presence to my best friend and Mark and his girlfriend only seemed to make sense since we were all together. Except? Amber didn’t like Phil. What did I do? See the above Scene 1. Except now we are a few more years into my vulgarity and I poured on the foulness and disgusting jokes as far as I could. I will never forget that night we ended up in the Sorority house drunk off our asses and Amber was so pissed at me and us – but mostly me. I was making everyone laugh with my off-color joking and loudness. The angrier Amber got the more I laughed. Amber was super pissed that we would wake up the entire house and I can still see her wanting to jump the staircase and totally kick my ass. After that scene, then it got real. Mark and I had a chat and I volunteered to apologize to Amber. That is truly the first time I realized, I must mind myself and my behavior towards women. I will say that this was a great lesson, but I did not apply this lesson in full for many years to come. What do I mean? Well, Amber and I were also like glue over the years. I acted appropriately as one should, but it did not apply this well to other areas of my life…this would not start to come into full scope until I crashed into recovery for sex addiction 6 years later.
Does anyone see a pattern here? I made relationships with people who initially didn’t like me. When I found out they didn’t like me, I made sure they didn’t like me by acting even worse! Somehow even after all that, I was able to repair the damage and become quite close to those ladies.
Scene 3: 2015 – I showed up for our Saturday morning 12 step meeting. Ben had the key to get into the church. Ben was a no show. We picked the lock to the door with a pocketknife and held our meeting. The following week Ben was again a no show. This time though, Ben made matters worse. He left a sign on the door that he couldn’t make the meeting, but that the door was unlocked. We went into the church and had our meeting. However, at the meeting I made a motion to remove key duties from Ben. There was controversy over the motion but ultimately there was a consensus that Ben was not doing his duties. Who became the key holder? Not by choice but by being the only one Willing to Commit to be present every week to open the door. ME. The next week I showed up to the meeting just on time. I actually had forgotten I had the key (not that big of deal to me) but no harm no foul I thought, after all I was there and we made it. Complaints from the group that I should be there earlier so they could get in to get situated were noted. The very next week I missed my alarm and overslept and was 5 minutes late. Several in the group were not pleased. I made a verbal promise to the group that I would be there early the next week. That morning I got up early and was all set to get to the church 15 minutes early. I was cruising down the highway rocking out to some song, singing my heart out when all of the sudden I realized I am two exits down from where I was supposed to get off and now I am not only not going to be 15 mins early but I am going to be 10 minutes late! I made the call to the group to extend my apology and when I showed up we muttered through the meeting. After the meeting, Will (one of the complainers) decided he wanted a word with me. See, Will thought I was doing this to the group on purpose and he was going to call me out. (BTW “Will” is reading this so wave to “Will” hehe). My reply? Well, first I apologized for my lateness and all the previous events and I went on to telI him I can only speak my truth. Blunt truth that these are the circumstances of my lateness and at the end of the day the truth was that Ben was irresponsible with the key and we needed to remove him from that duty because he actually jeopardized the group with a liability issue. Ben had left a sign the door that it was unlocked! I went on…AND? I told Will – Thank you for having the courage to call me out and talk to me about this. Because, I see a man who wants to be sober and is getting sober and this conversation shows that he cares about his sobriety and he cares about the group. The redness lifted from Will’s face and we shook hands. I corrected me tardiness and the rest is history as they say. Over time Will and I would become phone buddies. One day, Will shared with me that he needed to be honest with me. that’s when he said “He originally didn’t like me and wait for it…… ” I thought you were an asshole!” (Go figure I thought). Today, Will is a close friend of mine who I speak with regularly. THANK YOU WILL! For the record, I guide Ben in our 12 step fellowship together today as well.
The pattern lives on. I have more of these stories. It is not common for all my relationships but this happens from time to time. Each time this happens today, it looks different in a good way that’s for sure.
* Names changed for these stories – except for my Friend Mark.
Cliff Hanger: I will need to explain some more things about me. It has to do with passed immaturity and manipulation and grown up Phil speaking the truth in bluntness as well as laughter.