This picture was taken during what I believe to be the most impactful bipolar experience of my life. It was as recent as February 2023.

This is a very personal and special picture to me. What I see in this picture is God protecting me. Because this picture is so deeply personal, I need to leave the explanation of why I view it as a sign of divine protection as Just: It is simply what I see.

A close friend of mine recently helped me understand the difference between my bipolar experiences and God. You can read about one of those experiences from that event here: I Never Told This Story

My friend did not discern for me whether one experience I had during that event was more valid than another. In fact, for the most part, all he did was listen and ask me questions about my experience. I’m certain that I wasn’t seeing NASCAR drivers. However, there are other very personal experiences from that time that I have not fully processed. I have concluded that if the events I perceived during that manic episode come true, then they were real and part of God’s will; if they do not come true, then they were purely evil.

Deuteronomy 18:21-22 (NIV) states: 21 You may say to yourselves, “How can we know when a message has not been spoken by the LORD?” 22 If what a prophet proclaims in the name of the LORD does not take place or come true, that is a message the LORD has not spoken. That prophet has spoken presumptuously, so do not be alarmed.

Here is what I have learned about evil from my most recent bipolar experience:

Bipolar disorder is absolute evil within me. Because of the Fall of Adam and Eve, God allows Satan to do his work. Bipolar mania feels good. This is a fact I can tell you from my own experience. From what I understand, it is quite similar to being on cocaine, except you don’t need to ingest anything. I believe that humans naturally like pleasure and things that feel good. So, if it feels good, why is it absolute evil? The results are bad.

When I am in mania, everything seems really funny. I feel great—like a million bucks! I can be very intelligent during a manic episode. My mind processes quickly, and I can outwit others. I can twist things to my advantage, and you will lose the argument. Do you see where this is going? I have learned to use mania to get what I want. Over the years, as I worked on improving myself, I even learned how to recognize when my bipolar was being activated and would try to control it. Meaning, how could I get the mania hit without the negative effects? The problem is that things start going south very quickly. My sensitivity to things increases, and I become overwhelmed with feelings and sensory overload. The smallest thing can set me off. Then I am angry—really angry. I can become violently angry, and by the grace of God, that is something of the distant past. What happened to the happy, funny Phil? He fell off the deep end because he couldn’t control himself and fell into sin. That is where my bipolar takes me every time: sin.

In the past, because it felt good, I kept going, trying to find the next pleasurable moment. I learned how to get the next hit of feel-good medicine from my bipolar. I also added things like cigarettes, alcohol, and sex—just a few of the toxic mixtures I used to feel better.

I also arrived at this conclusion as a result of my bipolar event: decay, rot, rust, mold, misuse of sex, alcohol abuse, bipolar disorder, mental health issues, physical injury, organ failure, hate, trouble, crime, weeds, death—the list is long—are pure evil. I believe all these things and much more are the work of Satan.

When we purposely participate in these things, it is to our own detriment. So, while I have bipolar disorder through no fault of my own, I still have to follow the same rules as everyone else. I need to learn how to operate properly in society. I do not get a pass. While I may have a disability and sometimes need special accommodations, I cannot use my bipolar disorder as an excuse to sin.

In the last nine years since I truly found Jesus, I can honestly say that all I have wanted is to do the next right thing to the best of my ability. I was working on the same concept in my 12-step program for the previous 11 years, but certainly not to the same degree. I have failed many times. However, in these past nine years, my intentions have always been for the good.

What comes to mind is a book called “We Don’t Die.” About 20 years ago, I shared with a man in my Sunday School class that I enjoyed reading near-death experience books. I only enjoy the autobiography, non-fiction, true story accounts. These were found in Christian bookstores or the Christian-religious section of bookstores. In these types of books, you can really see God working and some of His mysterious ways that are not of this world. For me, there is a sense of truth that shines through in these books.

The man told me he had an interesting book for me to read, but I had to have an open mind. I agreed. The book was about a man who could communicate with the dead. Honestly, it sounded sketchy to me. I liked the guy, and his wife had been my elementary school teacher who helped me as a kid, so I objectively took the book and gave it an honest read.

The summary of the book was about a man who had an experience where he could communicate with the dead. He could meet you or even just talk to you on the phone and communicate with your relatives. He even appeared on a radio station in Long Island, New York, as a semi-regular guest. People would call into the station, provide only their first names, and the medium would start talking to their deceased relatives live on the air. Experts, skeptics, and biblical scholars debated this man’s abilities. In the end, the people who received the communications verified that the man was legitimate. The radio host, in his own disbelief, came to believe in the man’s abilities. Biblical scholars, however, argued that the medium was sinning against God by using evil spirits to communicate with the dead. It is clear from the Bible that God forbids this activity. The book concluded more as a question than a confirmation, leaving the mystery for readers to explore further.

I realized that this man’s activities were quite wrong. This story was not the true story of God intervention. Actually? It was garbage. The story was intriguing only because it actually happened. Probably the only reason I kept reading was that I was mesmerized by the fact that there was a real story about a man who could communicate with the dead on the radio. Deep down, I knew that whatever this man was doing was wrong in the eyes of God.

Here is the difference between what happened to me during my bipolar event and what the psychic medium in the book did: What happened to me was not something I intentionally sought. I did nothing purposeful to see or witness what I experienced. I have no desire to return to that place ever again. It was pure evil.

Here is the beautiful thing about what took place for me: God knew that I was blameless.  God protected me with my faith and love and hope. 

1 Thessalonians 5 (NIV): The Day of the Lord 1 Now, brothers and sisters, about times and dates we do not need to write to you, 2 for you know very well that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. 3 While people are saying, “Peace and safety,” destruction will come on them suddenly, as labor pains on a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. 4 But you, brothers and sisters, are not in darkness so that this day should surprise you like a thief. 5 You are all children of the light and children of the day. We do not belong to the night or to the darkness. 6 So then, let us not be like others, who are asleep, but let us be awake and sober. 7 For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, get drunk at night. 8 But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, putting on faith and love as a breastplate, and the hope of salvation as a helmet. 9 For God did not appoint us to suffer wrath but to receive salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ. 10 He died for us so that, whether we are awake or asleep, we may live together with him. 11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.

Final Instructions 12 Now we ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you, who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. 13 Hold them in the highest regard in love because of their work. Live in peace with each other. 14 And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. 15 Make sure that nobody pays back wrong for wrong, but always strive to do what is good for each other and for everyone else. 16 Rejoice always, 17 pray continually, 18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not quench the Spirit. 20 Do not treat prophecies with contempt 21 but test them all; hold on to what is good, 22 reject every kind of evil. 23 May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul, and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus