Do you walk free? 

Having a past with sexually addictive behavior, I know what it’s like to walk around with shame. The funny thing about it is, for the longest time, I never knew I had shame because I numbed out my shame with my sexual behavior. So I had no clue I was walking around with shame. I did shameful things to numb out my shame. It’s called the shame cycle. 

How did I numb out the shame?

I STAYED IN IT

I stayed in shame, because the shame hurt. The sexual behavior numbed out the shame so I didn’t have to feel the hurt. 

Here is how the shame cycle works:

1. Trigger – distress occurs
2. Response – internal message of rejection occurs 
3. Emotional Distress – anxiety, fear, guilt – disconnection 
4. Coping Behavior – lying or in my case soothing self with sexual activity (Acting out)
5. Temporary Relief – the lie or sexual activity reduces the discomfort
6. Re-enforced Shame – now there is more shame – more to hide/disconnection (distress see point 1)

And… the cycle repeats.  My sponsor used to say this in sarcasm: What is the best thing to do after acting out? Act out again. 

How did I find my way out of shame?

I STOPPED HIDING AND I GOT HONEST

So, how do we get out of the shame cycle? We bring it to the light! We get honest. We TELL THE TRUTH. We address it head on, and we stop the destructive behaviors that keep us in the cycle. It’s called Accountability. 

Here is how Accountability works:

1. Acknowledged Behavior – “I lied about X”
2. Clarity, and Responsibility – “I lied about X, I broke your trust, it caused your suffering.”
3. Accept the Consequences – The results of the behavior may have consequences that are uncomfortable that we must live with.
4. Truth and Self Worth – when we get honest the focus is on truth and its impact to others and our selves. Our self worth is measured by who we are, not by what we did. 
5. Ownership and Correction – Owning our past behavior by bringing it to the light and not repeating the same behavior provides healing for self and protection for the victim – connection. 

The end result of accountability is the building of good character – walking free.

Let’s put an empirical and scriptural truth to this:

Empirically, Brene’ Brown’s research and Shame Resilience Theory, shows us how hiding shame produces disconnection. Her research provides a path to move away from shame towards connection and empathy. Her method is to recognize triggers, increase critical awareness of societal expectations, telling our stories about our shame, reducing its power – walking free.

Scripturally, the Bible shows us shame leads to hiding in Genesis 3, when Adam and Eve hide after sinning. God uses accountability by asking the question, “Who told you that you were naked?” Jesus tells us truth brings freedom in John 8, “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” Hebrews 12, shows us correction produces growth, “No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” In 1 John, we are shown restoration requires ownership for true transformation. “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” – walking free.

Empirically and Scripturally:

Bad Character = Shame distorts identity and drives hiding – locked up.

Good Character = Accountability reveals truth and enables change – walking free.