I seem to love anger. It’s a place I have been going for a long time. I don’t really recall the first time I got angry. In my furthest reach, what comes to mind is an event that occurred around the age of 8.
My Mom had taken me to see Dr. Wiser. My behavior at home was a problem. Dr. Wiser had told me that I was angry because I lost my father. I am sure that was true. That fact certainly wasn’t going to make me any less angry as best I could tell. That week I had thrown a light bulb at my brother. Yes, I missed, and yes it shattered when it hit the wall.
I was 14 or 15 when I learned the term manic depressive that was used to describe my boss at the veterinary hospital I worked at as a kennel attendant on the weekends. I would be 30 years old when I first heard the word bipolar used in a sentence referring to me. I would be 44 until I allowed even the thought of that, to come up again. It would take 3 more years until I actually started to embrace the term bipolar as a diagnosis.
Why do I love anger so much? What’s up with that anyway? What I have learned over the years, is that if I allow it, anger can produce endorphins. Having an addictive background in my history, and the ability to “get off on self” -Wow did I just right that? – Yes – I have heard that phrase before and even said it about myself. It sinks in deeper as I write. Sex addiction definitely falls into “get off on self” category. I definitely see where my anger does too.
If there is an area of my life, I would change for the better at age 52, it’s my anger issues. I have been working on it since I was 7 or 8. While there has been significant improvement over the course of all these years, the force of evil and bipolar have been working against me.
I HAVE FAILED ALOT
A method that was taught to me repeatedly over the years, was to channel my anger. I know these concepts and quite honestly when I reflect, I would apply the principles of the tools given after the therapy session for about a week or two at best, and then loose it to an anger episode, summing up the results as “What’s the use?”
Where’s the hope in that?
As my tolerance for my own crap becomes less and less as I grow, (along with my wife and others) I have deployed a new strategy. I recently wrote a post “How are You?” My new answer when things aren’t going well is, “I am fine but other things are not.” I have been working on separating myself from outside things that could impact me, if I allow them. Also, I call this the idea of “When I’m upset, there is something wrong with me.” When I follow this mantra, it is amazing how things go so much better.
Yesterday was one of those days. Everywhere I looked, trouble was on the horizon. Many things did not go right yesterday. It started at 7am and it finally stopped at 9pm. I am proud to report, that while I am sure someone could call me out on a behavior I exhibited, there was no collateral damage to others. I was even able to hear and listen to my youngest son when I had a short fit in the truck as I was backing out of a parking spot and a driver drove past me at a high speed without his headlights on and almost rear-ended me. STOP. Was the word.
2 Corinthians 10:5 NIV
5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
I have started truly finding outlets for my anger as fast as I can. Strangely enough, the roots of my past are exactly where I have begun my journey of finding an alternative to my anger. Loud hard, heavy metal music is one area that I found solace in my anger. I am not 100% sure of the connection, other than it was just what I decided I liked as an adolescent. It is strange how it takes me back to the place of my childhood and adolescence. I wouldn’t say I had a bad childhood. There were certainly many challenges. Many of those challenges were brought on by self. If I am frank with you, I am not looking to go back and change it. Maybe it’s acceptance of the past. Maybe it’s the inner kid just taking care of himself and that was an outlet then, and I never really let go of that outlet of enjoyment as a relatively healthy method of a pain reliever. (Hearing loss is a negative side effect from these activities)
God demonstrates His anger in the Bible. His anger is used to wipe out evil. Let me say that again. God’s anger is used to wipe out evil. See, God, channels His anger into GOOD. That’s the example God sets for us.
I call this the what not to do and what to do messaging that is in the Bible. It is God’s response to sin. It is not selfish. AND That’s the difference! Selfish anger verses righteous anger. Selfish anger is full of sin. Righteous anger is full of God’s love for us. His desire for us to be more like Jesus. This is the reflection we are to strive for in our lives.
Ephesians 4:20-32
20 That, however, is not the way of life you learned 21 when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 Anyone who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with their own hands, that they may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Here is what all this equals:
Righteous anger is the transformation of selfish anger into something GOOD.
NOW THAT’S HOPE!