I attend a 12-Step meeting for sex addiction typically once a week early on a Saturday morning. It is usually a great way to start my day.

In a more recent meeting I attended, a man spoke to the group in a format that is called “Give Your First Step.” All 12-Step meetings have their own flavor of formats, and sometimes they will choose to throw out the format to allow someone to “Give Their First Step.” I have struggled with this concept and format for the 20+ years I have been in the program.

This method of recovery is NOT an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) method. However, it found its way into 12-Step rooms. This method was not “invented” by the founders of AA. The method they chose for this type of deep sharing is one on one in your kitchen. Somewhere along the line, psychologists and medical treatment centers came up with the idea to use this method of sharing your garbage in a group setting. I mean garbage. Every little detail of the way you think, the things that happened to you, and the destructive things you did to live it out and escape the pain. I tell you this as it is so bad it is beyond landfill material. It is the depths of hell being shared with a group. The idea is the medical teams hope that when you hear someone brave enough to share their deepest of all deepest garbage, it will produce such guilt that you will break down and cry about your own story in front of all the people. Their intent is to invoke in you the courage to do the same by sharing your deepest darkest secrets as well.

The goal is vulnerability. Vulnerability is 100% healthy. Creating SHAME is not healthy.

Some 12-Step person decided all this was a good idea and brought it into the 12-Step rooms, and it stuck. It has morphed into what is now known as “Giving Your First Step.”

The man opened up his story with some deep cutting information about the abuse he endured from his father, both extremely physical as well as extremely sexual. We are talking penetration of a 3-year-old with not only body parts but other objects. I can’t tell you anything more about the man’s story because I got up and walked out.

I actually have done the sharing of every little detail of my story. I am talking downright raw and offensive. Every little detail of the garbage in my brain was spewed. The difference? I did it one on one with someone else. After the event, I was instructed to take the letter that I wrote my story out in grand detail and burn it. This represents getting rid of the garbage and letting go of the past; all the pain and hurt and all the garbage one spews when they are self-seeking out their pain reliever of choice. The goal is clearing a path for the new.

However, in a group setting, I DO NOT FIND THAT HEALING. Here is why:

“Giving Your First Step” is NOT giving! It is dumping. Dumping is NOT GIVING.  Do you want someone else’s garbage?  “Giving Your First Step” is the opposite of GIVING! In fact, it is still TAKING! We have to dump our crap so we can find the new healthy way. We need to move from being a TAKER to being a GIVER!

As a sponsor in a 12-Step program, I have heard many of these terrible stories of abuse and wreckage. Victim stories where the abused developed into abusers, which landed them a seat in the 12-Step room. My story has that twist. I am totally fine when I hear one’s deep dark secrets one on one in a private setting knowing this person is letting go of their pain.

In a group setting, here is the problem: It may give someone enough guilt or courage to want to have the ability to share their crap in front of everyone. That’s great. However, hearing someone else’s crap may lead someone into further SHAME and cause them HURT, which knocks them down further on the scale, and they choose to go back out into the depths. I walked out of that room for a reason.  It hurt me to hear that in that setting.  Not sure why but it hurt me. I find this harmful! If it is good for some and not for ALL, then it is NO GOOD!

Here is the thing: The person who took a proven non-harmful method of recovery from pain by writing a letter and burning it to represent getting rid of the past garbage to clear away for the NEW decided to bring it into a 12-Step atmosphere. I absolutely believe their intentions were good. They truly didn’t mean harm. They wanted to help people. They didn’t know their newfound message was harmful. People saw that some got better, so they figured it was good for all. AND? If they didn’t benefit from it, well…then there must be something more wrong with that other person, and if they would just hang around long enough, they will get it. NOPE! That’s BS! Sure, maybe for some that may work. But what about the few who it didn’t help, and it was actually harmful and caused them to feel SHAME? What do we do with this lot of people? Do we just say “Oh well – sorry we can’t help you?” NO!

Look, I don’t have all the answers. But when we see this type of messaging, we have an opportunity to address it and help others. I can’t help you if you double down on your harmful message and refuse to see that you are hurting others! Here is the answer I have come up with:

Luke 15:4-7

4 “Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them. Doesn’t he leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it? 5 And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders 6 and goes home. Then he calls his friends and neighbors together and says, ‘Rejoice with me; I have found my lost sheep.’ 7 I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.

We go get them! We help them, and we give them comfort and lead them back to the path. The HOPE we have in the Christian atmosphere is that the path turns into the path to Jesus.

When I got up and walked out of the room from that meeting, my friend followed me. I heard him behind me, and I ignored his footsteps. He called my name, and I turned around and said, “what’s up?” Do you not think I didn’t know what’s up? He was checking on me, and I had my wall up. I wasn’t going to let anyone hurt me! I needed to get out of there…leave me alone was what I was thinking. However, I stopped to talk to him. Because he came to get me. The ONE. I shared my hurt (He knows my story) and told him I couldn’t hear that story that day, and I needed to just go. We hugged, and I told him I loved him, and I left. We later talked about this event, and he is the source of my writing today.

Can you take what I have written today and apply this? What if you have been abused or have had harmful messages given to you by the church? I had both of these harmful actions given to me. I then proceeded to use all the harmful messages that I received to protect myself from that very message. I harmed others in my path of escape. I needed someone to come get me. Sometimes they had to come get me MANY times. The key? They had to keep coming to GET ME!

This part of my story provides you with an insight. That insight is the fact that sometimes we seek help, and inside the help are still harmful messages. They weren’t necessarily put there to harm someone. Of course, there are those that actually do that kind of thing. However, often the harmful messages were truly put there to try to help you. This is why it is so hard for folks that have seen the message work for some but not ALL to give up their message. Someone just messed it up. THEY ARE HUMAN.

How We Deliver the Message is Important! It can’t contain harmful messages! And if we recognize that we made a mistake, we need to back up the train and recognize it and make amends by repairing it or just sometimes pressing the STOP button.

Unknown harmful messages are hard to uncover.

If you are in any situation and it doesn’t feel correct, call it out. If you feel uncomfortable, state your case and stand firm!

If the people around you can’t respect your needs, then YOU DON’T NEED THEM!