A friend asked me, “What was the first thing you learned about God?”
I honestly couldn’t even answer the question. No one has ever asked me that before. It is all such a blur, the very first thing I can come up with is, Jesus was in there somewhere. I only say that because it had to be. I went to church and Sunday School and what else would they have taught children?
The next thing I remember is my Dad dying when I was just 7. When I reflect on certain moments, and the question at hand, all I can come up with is, I got ripped off. That seems to be my first message about God that I can truly put together. I would not go so far to say that my church wasn’t doing the work of God at the time of my father’s death, but I didn’t hear it. I wouldn’t go so far to say that people weren’t offering Jesus as a solution to the impact of my father’s death, I just couldn’t hear it. I felt abandoned. Not just abandoned by my father but abandoned by God. If I heard anything, abandonment was the message.
This is quite the sad thing to share and honestly, I don’t know that I ever shared this before: Our lead Pastor retired, and our Assistant Pastor left fairly close in order. When, our Assistant Pastor left, I cried. I may have been 9 or 10 years old. We were close with their family. I made a recording of myself that said “If that Pastor leaves, I will kill myself.” It was another abandonment. It was another rip off. Our church was left with interim Pastors and I certainly wasn’t hearing the Good God picture, let me put it to you that way.
Then at age of 12 or 13 a new Minister entered the picture at my church. His choice of Youth Pastor was an existential error. The Youth Pastor, Ron Weber of Minnesota groomed and molested me until I was 16. What was the message I heard then? I think that series of events took my hearing away. I just recall being deaf. If I recall anything from that time period it was, go to church. That message came from the home front, not the Youth Pastor. I remember hearing Good Christians go to church. I could stretch that a bit to what I understand today as the Law verses the Spirit. The Law was, go to church. That is what you do. As far as any other message? BLANK. By the time I was 17, that ministry was gone and our previous Assistant Pastor who had left for a lead role elsewhere, returned and put our church back on track for the next 25 years.
Background
My wife and I both grew up in a Lutheran atmosphere. I grew up in the Evangelical Synod and my wife was in the Missouri Synod. Much has changed in those faith traditions since those days. Story for another day. My wife and I were married in my home church. It is also a very beautiful church. Just sayin. After my wife and I got married, we lived in my hometown and would settle nearby for the next 15 years. Given our backgrounds, it made sense to attend the church where I grew up. About 9 ½ years ago we moved 450 miles away to North Carolina. Today we attend a Wesleyan Church.
This Sunday as we are working through Galatians, we were discussing the differences between Protestant faith traditions as a result of the Reformation. The discussion in our class boiled the differences down to Protestant views that split into different preferences that have different focal points. I made a comment with qualification that I may have missed something but, it seemed to me that there was more of a Jesus focus in our Wesleyan tradition while the Lutherans where more concerned with the Liturgy. My wife countered that statement with “that’s not what I Heard.” To which, I immediately owned my statement. I may not have been in the best of spaces given my history of abandonment, sexual abuse, sex addiction and bipolar. What a mess!
As the discussion continued, the stark reality hit me. Even though I could attend that church, I couldn’t hear. I couldn’t hear in that church. I apparently needed to get the hell out of there! AND thank God we did! That church has changed for the better. However, that doesn’t take away what happened to me at the church. The unfortunate realization is, that I received harmful messages in that church. It apparently still affects me.
Today, I realize that I couldn’t hear in my home church.
Today, I hang out in a group where women in particular, share about receiving similar harmful messages from their church. It often involves hierarchal type messages that left them out from hearing the real Jesus. I hear their stories. I hear their pain. I hear them say they are still struggling. I hear them say they are leaving the church. I hear them saying they have been harmed so much, they cannot ever consider returning to the church.
I am one who offers encouragement to them to please do the work to find a new church. I am one who is saying please hear me! Please heal! Church is for ALL and we ALL deserve better!
And there is hope in those who have found a new church and share how wonderful it is. It is so good to hear!
Today, I am grateful I can hear Jesus. Today, I hear Him loud and clear!