Lately, I’ve been reflecting a lot on Moses. Years ago, when we studied Exodus in our Sunday School class, we interpreted Moses’ interactions with God as a negotiation. I’ve always appreciated that perspective—Moses, faced with a direct path from God, actually says “no thank you.” That takes a lot of courage!

In recent weeks, as I’ve shared my own struggles with bipolar disorder and my journey with God and His Gifts, Moses has come up in conversation several times. A common interpretation I hear is that Moses argued with God. That’s a popular one. I’ve also heard that Moses refused to serve God as commanded. One person even suggested that Moses may not have been given the Gift of speaking from God at all, which I thought was an, out-of-the-box thought.

Personally, I see Moses’ conversation with God as more of a dialogue. It’s not a refusal—it’s a negotiation with his own fear. While Moses is firm in expressing his preferences, his responses to God are civil. He certainly has faith, but even after witnessing all those miracles, he still struggles to fully believe. It’s profound, isn’t it?

Exodus 3:8-17
8 Then the LORD said, “If they do not believe you or pay attention to the first sign, they may believe the second.
9 But if they do not believe these two signs or listen to you, take some water from the Nile and pour it on the dry ground. The water you take from the river will become blood on the ground.”
10 Moses said to the LORD, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.”
11 The LORD said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the LORD?
12 Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
13 But Moses said, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.”
14 Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses and he said, “What about your brother, Aaron the Levite? I know he can speak well. He is already on his way to meet you, and he will be glad to see you.
15 You shall speak to him and put words in his mouth; I will help both of you speak and will teach you what to do.
16 He will speak to the people for you, and it will be as if he were your mouth and as if you were God to him.
17 But take this staff in your hand so you can perform the signs with it.”

God’s anger is evident, but it’s channeled into a solution. He offers Moses his brother Aaron to help, and Moses accepts.

Here’s my takeaway from this exchange: If it’s not your will, it’s certainly not God’s will. That’s the beauty of free will. But here’s the catch: God has plans for us that are beyond our comprehension. We can choose to reject His plan, but He will find another way to bring it about—His way.

Here’s an example from my life where I’ve negotiated with God: After about 12 years in my 12-step program for sex addiction recovery, I found myself pacing outside my house, knowing there was something more to my relationship with God than what I had experienced so far. I prayed a simple prayer: “God, please show me more.” And boy, did He answer that prayer. That’s when Jesus showed up at my door. I had what some might call a unique experience. But really, it was just a God experience—nothing extraordinary, just powerful in my perspective. I admit, I might have made it bigger than it really was, but it felt special because He did that for me.

But what happened next was just as significant. I repeated my prayer and added: “God, please show me Your will.” Every time I prayed that, I’d get a call from a sponsee in my 12-step program, or a new one would reach out. Someone would thank me for my help over the years. These calls hit me right when I needed them, each time reinforcing that God was asking me to continue my work in the 12-step program. And so, I did. I realized I couldn’t walk away from the place that had first offered me hope. I wouldn’t turn my back on those who helped me, and I would continue to give back freely what had been freely given to me.

Here’s the thing, though—I didn’t really want to do that. I had grown frustrated with the limitations of the 12-step program. I wanted to talk about Jesus, but that wasn’t allowed in the group setting. We can talk about God, but not about specific religions. What I really wanted was to share the message of Jesus, the way I had come to know Him. I struggled with this inner battle for a long time.

After years of wrestling with this, I finally found a way forward. I began talking more about Jesus in my personal conversations and other work like teaching Sunday School and of course Give Your Story, while continuing my work in the 12-step rooms. I’m still involved in the 12-step program, but now I spend way more time sharing the message of Jesus. However, I am doing what God has shown me he would like me to do. I’m doing it, as he wishes. And I can do what brings me joy too. I’m not sure if I’m exercising the gift of Faith, encouragement, speaking, or teaching, or something else entirely. One thing is for sure: I would rather speak five intelligent words than utter 10,000 words in tongues. As I look back, I believe God has allowed me to do His will and include my own modifications that are fitting to me. The Fruit is the evidence of this course.

Here’s my final thought: We have the power to choose. And if God has a plan for us, and we’re not using our gifts in the way He intends, He will either accommodate us or find another willing soul to fulfill His will. See Mathew 25:14-30

For clarity, here’s where I am today: I’m seeking community to share my gifts and spread the Word of Jesus.

We rely on each other for support, accountability, encouragement, correction, fellowship, and assistance. We can not thrive as spiritual loners because God has intentionally placed us in the body of Christ as He desires. The body of Christ is a community and we are to use our gifts in community with one another to edify one another and build up the church. If we are not using our gifts in this manner, our gifts will become ineffective and we will bear bad fruit.

I’m on a mission, part of which may be a dream, part of it I know to be God’s will for me, and part of it may be my own will that I need to dissect and realign. But here’s what I know: I’m open to God’s direction and His will. I understand I am free to choose, and He will accommodate me provided I follow Him. We all have a choice. I’ve chosen to stay the course that I believe is His path. I am going to stay the course in love. The Mission is the same. Pending the path, I will adjust accordingly just like I did in my example. I’m moving forward with His will, incorporating my preferences, as He continues to guide me.

The Fruit will be my Beacon.

With love,