When you see the word “arousal,” what do you think of? I bet most of you associate it with something sexual. I did too, for a time. I recently watched an interview with a man discussing his new book. His thesis focuses on God’s design for sexuality in men and for all of us—God’s design being sexual desire. I found his perspective on God’s design for innocent sexuality refreshing. He emphasized that men are lovers at heart, not monsters, and that we should celebrate our sexuality rather than struggle with it.
Some of you might be wondering when I will talk about sex addiction, which I mention in my biography. I’ve shared that story in my 12-step group for the past 21 years. It’s not that I don’t want to discuss it or that I’m afraid to do so publicly. It’s just that after talking about it so extensively for so long, I’d rather focus on something else, like Jesus. For me, sex addiction was the problem, and in the end, Jesus is the solution.
As a man in recovery from sexual addiction for the past 21 years, you could say I know sexual desire. However, for much of my life, sexual desire eluded me. How could this be? I was unaware to some extent of my sexual desire. As an adolescent, I was overcome by it, meaning I would act on any impulse without understanding or self-control. This pattern spilled over into my adult life. My sexuality was filled with shame, not love.
Back to the interview: the discussion centered on three words, arousal, desire, and beauty. Arousal means to wake up, and desire is a strong feeling of wanting something to happen. Beauty? That is in the eye of the beholder. Beauty is a pleasing feeling. They discussed the words arousal and desire in the interview in the context of beauty. When we see beauty, what do we do? As a man, when I think about the beauty of a woman, my past tells me to lust. But what if you are on top of a mountain and see God’s beauty? What do you do with that?
In my 12-step program in Pennsylvania, there was an unhealthy, cliquish group with a strict view of sobriety. They believed if you didn’t get sober like they did, you weren’t truly sober. I felt discontent and frustration towards them. While I knew I needed to be sober, I felt something was off about their approach. They tried to kill their instinct for arousal and desire in women, teaching things like “bounce your eyes” or “look at the ground” and, more absurdly, to avoid women altogether. How can you ignore 50% of the world? At the time, my rebuttal answer came from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. On page 100, it states, “Any scheme of combating alcoholism which proposes to shield the sick man from temptation is doomed to failure.” These men were practicing just this. It is also known as what we call negative sobriety.
In my past, when I saw a woman’s beauty, I saw lust and acted on it. But when I saw God’s beauty on a mountaintop, I saw the love of God’s creation. Why can’t I apply this to the beauty of a woman? I can!
Today, my answer to arousal, desire, and beauty lies in the BIGGER BOOK in Galatians 5:22-23. The Fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Recently, we watched a movie called “Hacksaw Ridge,” based on the true story of Desmond Doss, a man who served in World War II without ever holding a weapon due to his religious convictions. He saved an estimated 75 men single-handedly, leaning on the Lord for strength. This movie also tells a love story, showing how Desmond met his future wife, Dorothy.
As I have reflected on the interview and the movie, I realized something important. When Desmond sees Dorothy for the first time, her beauty invokes his arousal and desire. It also invokes his love for God’s beauty. It’s not a sexual scene; it’s a depiction of pure love. Love for God and love for God’s beauty.
This is who I am today as a result of a lot of hard work seeking answers to the death of my father at a young age, sexual molestation by my Youth Pastor in my home church, my battle with sex addiction and bipolar disorder, and my journey with Christ:
I’ve changed my heart by seeking Him, and as a result, I’ve embraced the feast of the Fruit of the Spirit.
The beauty of a woman is a manifestation of God’s design of LOVE. The beauty of a woman brings JOY to my heart, reminding me of His gifts to us. The beauty of a woman instills PEACE in me, knowing He has provided a partner to cherish and share joy with. The beauty of a woman provides FORBEARANCE (patience), to allow me to set aside my desires and see love. The beauty of a woman reflects God’s KINDNESS, offering us not only something beautiful to behold but also to embody. The beauty of a woman symbolizes FAITHFULNESS, reminding us to be loyal to our spouses and to Him. The beauty of a woman represents GENTLENESS, urging us to treat women with tenderness and care just as God gently cares for us. Finally, the beauty of a woman signifies SELF-CONTROL, a gift that encourages us to practice self-discipline with all these gifts and appreciate and be thankful for all God’s blessings.
In beauty, arousal and desire, I SEE THE FRUIT OF THE SPIRIT!