Yesterday, we explored the concept of an Egalitarian. Today, let’s take a closer look at what that looks like in the context of marriage.
An Egalitarian marriage is built on a foundation of mutual respect, love, and equality. It’s not just about dividing tasks equally, but about fostering a deep, supportive partnership where both individuals share in both the responsibilities and the joys of life. When you see an egalitarian couple, you see two people who are not just partners but also best friends. They collaborate, they share, and they genuinely care for one another. Their bond is one of warmth, trust, and a mutual desire to serve each other in love.
Looking back on my own journey, even when I was caught in the grip of sex addiction; which is the very definition of selfishness, I knew, deep down, that my marriage was supposed to be equal. I remember telling our pastor during marriage counseling that I believed in a 50/50 arrangement in marriage. At that time, I also acknowledged that our relationship wasn’t quite there – probably more like 60/40. In truth, it was more like 70/30, skewed heavily in my favor, until I started seeking help. The change didn’t happen overnight, especially with the added challenges of children and bipolar disorder complicating things.
Today, though, I can honestly say that I strive for a more balanced 50/50 partnership. My wife, ever faithful and patient, will say that I’m doing better.
So, what does an egalitarian marriage look like in practice?
For us, it starts with Jesus as the center of our lives and our marriage. From there, it’s about shared responsibilities – both the physical and mental loads. We don’t just split tasks based on convenience or tradition. We share everything, from cooking and cleaning to finances and parenting. Of course, there are some areas we have agreed upon that we each tend too primarily handle without the others help. However, we both are willing to step in to help each other if needed.
There have been times when I’ve been the primary breadwinner and my wife worked part-time and took care of the kids. Other times, she has been the breadwinner while I took on a more domestic role. There are no rigid gender roles in our marriage. We both contribute equally to maintaining our home and raising our children, whether that’s through household chores, grocery shopping, or managing the family’s schedule.
In addition to the physical load, we also share in responsibilities managing the mental load. We both contribute to decisions about budgeting, long-term financial planning, parenting strategies, and even the enjoyable things like planning vacations or date nights. The goal is always to support each other, so that both of us can enjoy rest and joy together; and as a family.
Financial challenges have been part of our journey as well. For example, in 2022, my wife needed dental surgery that, despite being covered by insurance, required us to front a significant amount of money upfront. We had to submit the claim ourselves, but the insurance company only reimbursed us partially; after a long and frustrating two-year battle. It left us with a financial burden that we needed to address together. We had a plan, but it didn’t work out as expected.
Earlier this year, I lost my job. While I found new employment in May, the financial plan we had put in place to manage the remaining financial obligation was no longer viable. On top of that, we prioritized celebrating two significant milestones; our 25th wedding anniversary and my wife’s 50th birthday. So, how did we tackle the challenge?
To tackle the charge, we discussed various financial options. I favored one plan (Product A), while my wife leaned toward another (Product C). We both presented our reasons clearly, without arguing, and listened to each other’s perspectives. There was no rush to make a decision; we had time. At one point, I repeated my position, and my wife realized she had misunderstood it previously. Still, we couldn’t agree.
Did we just say well, the bible says the man is in charge he makes the final decision? NO! Where did that idea come from? Where did Jesus say that? Where did Jesus demonstrate that? Where did Paul say that? But Ephesians 5 says… Oh, I know what you might be thinking, but please here me. Jesus does not want that. Jesus did not demonstrate that. That’s not truly what Paul said. You have to read the entire chapter. You have to read the entire letter. You have to read ALL the letters, you have to read ALL the Gospels, and you have to read the entire Bible!
This week in our Sunday School class we posed a question to the class. What is different about Jesus’ ministry than Paul’s? The primal answer we came up with is of course Jesus died for ALL equally for our our sins, Jesus’ ministry was focused on the Jews. Paul’s ministry focused on everybody. ALL. Equal. Both Jesus and Paul lead by example. This is not an all exclusive statement however, I like the concept of:
Jesus is the connection and Paul is the correction.
My wife suggested we meet with our financial advisor for a third-party opinion. I thought that was a great idea, and though I couldn’t be there in person, I called in to join the conversation. The meeting was eye-opening. Afterward, I was more open to considering my wife’s choice of Product C. However, in the end, my wife decided to go with Product A, the one I had originally suggested.
We found common ground. It started with Jesus.
It wasn’t about who “won” the discussion, but about being flexible, understanding, and ultimately aligning as a team. It was about being in the Spirit! I even told my wife I was happy to go with Product C if that’s what she truly wanted. This willingness to compromise and support each other in decision-making is the heart of an egalitarian partnership.
At the end of the day, an egalitarian marriage is about both partners actively participating in all aspects of life: emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. It’s about leading by example, respecting each other’s strengths, and supporting one another in times of challenge. And through it all, LOVE is the foundation that holds everything together.